AFL

ESSENDON V ADELAIDE

The Crows really came to the party for Andrew McLeod's 300th. Although, someone told Ben Rutten that it was a fancy dress party and he ran out onto the ground dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow. While the Crows players were cutting loose on the dance floor, the Tiger boys were standing in the kitchen drinking lemon squash until their dads came to pick them up early. For a team that still had a chance to make the finals, Richmond were very, very disappointing. So disappointing that Strauchanie changed the channel and watched the equestrian at the Olympics. Is it just me or are jockeys getting bigger? Strauchanie's Chinese heritage makes him very proud of the Olympics. I'm even proud of the smog. Let's stop hoping the smog goes away. Strauchanie says embrace and celebrate the smog. Make the smog the Olympic mascot. Make little stuffed toy smogs and sell them as official Olympic merchandise. The Bombers to bounce back and win this by 10 points.

MELBOURNE V WEST COAST

Melbourne continued with their fundraising by donating last week's game to Geelong. Fortunately, the atrocious conditions confined Geelong to only 24 goals. Melbourne's first score was a rushed behind. And to think that they were only 116 rushed behinds away from a victory. Really, though, who's going to go to this game? I don't know anyone who's going. Do you people out there know anyone who's going? If you are going, you'll probably get a whole bay in the stands to yourself. They need to make a rule. If there are more people working at the ground than there are in the crowd, then the game should be called off. The Demons by 7 points.

BRISBANE LIONS V WESTERN BULLDOGS

Brisbane are sitting in 9th spot and still trying to sneak into the eight but the bouncer at the door is saying get in the queue with everyone else. Brisbane keep telling him that their name is on the door but he keeps telling them that they're going to have to wait for someone to come out before they can go in. (Strauchanie has very cleverly compared Brisbane trying to get into the eight with trying to get into a nightclub - I shouldn't have to explain everything, so try and keep up. Just a short note: Strauchanie's never queued up to get into a nightclub. I just point to my face). The Lions really need to pull something out of a hat or even a footy beanie, if they expect to play finals. This game is make or bake (Shane O'Bree reckons I've got it wrong and that it's supposed to be 'make or break. I told 'Obi Won' to keep his ear out of other people's business). Brisbane to run all over the Bulldogs and win by 42 points.

SYDNEY V GEELONG

Geelong are in a league of their own. The TGFEEFL (The Too Good For Everyone Else Football League) Strauchanie has patented that name, so don't even think about using it. I came up with it when someone (it may have been me in an interview) once said that Strauchanie was in a league of his own. Now, if I can only negotiate a television rights deal, then the TGFEEFL could really take off. I could poach the AFL's second Banana, Adrian Anderson, to run it. He's young and hip. Just the sort of look the TGFEEFL needs. Besides, Dean Geyer said no. I've got a feeling that the Cats might just want to orchestrate a loss now, so that they can get one out of the way before the finals. The Swans by 17 points.

RICHMOND V HAWTHORN

The Tigers' finals campaign has finally run out of puff. Like a school kid doing the cross country, they've stopped to a walk, pulled over and reached for the asthma pump. Their mates have caught up and they've all agreed to cross the finish line together. It's such a shame. The Tiges have shown a lot of promise this year. Strauchanie's new favourite player, Trent 'Kochie and Mel' Cotchin, is a star of the future who displays the sort of balance, skill and maturity of Strauchanie when he was 12 years old. He couldn't get a bigger compliment than that. The Hawks are thereabouts but every now and again can be exposed and the Tigers are just the team to do that. It'll give their fans even more reason to be disappointed with a year that should've reached greater heights. The Tiges by 7 points.

CARLTON V NORTH MELBOURNE

The Blues have a sniff. They can smell something but they're not entirely sure what it is. Let's hope it's not something they've stepped in. It'd be a huge turn around in a short time if the Blues can get there. Who knows, maybe they can storm into the finals, win a quarter or two, get sent straight back out and realise that they didn't deserve to be there in the first place. We can't deny that they've got some great young talent. Bryce 'Bee Gees' Gibbs is all class and is oozing 'Strauchanicity' ('Strauchanicity' refers to a player having that 'IT' quality about them). Carlton aren't far off it and that will be evident when they belt North by 3 points.

FREMANTLE V ST. KILDA

The great man, Robert Harvey, is retiring but you wouldn't have known it. Other football news pushed him off the front page. Harvs is considering crashing his car just to generate some interest. His team mates have shown him scant respect by allowing themselves to be muscled out of last week's game by a wounded Collingwood. The Pies were on their knees but the Saints were incapable of delivering the kick to the head to finish them off. Credit to Collingwood for gutsing out the week but the Saints need a good hard look at themselves....again. The last time they looked at themselves must have been in those crazy mirrors from Luna Park. Some of their so called champions are under performing. Now, Strauchanie doesn't like to name names but I think we all know who the players are that I'm not talking about. The Dockers will smash the Saints by 47 points and send half the team back to the Casey Scorpions.